I am so miserable.
Of all the accomplishments in my life so far, the one I am proudest of is my marriage. My wife is a beautiful, stunningly intelligent, frighteningly intuitive, vastly compassionate woman. She carries a steel side within her that comes out at the most opportune moments, her advice is sought after, and she has a wisdom beyond her years.
The fact that I was able to attract such a creature in the first place is something I am truly grateful for. Over the years, many have been the times when I have wondered 'Why did she pick me?' I have never found an answer that explained this. I have simply had to thank my good fortune and not question it too closely.
Now, I am at the point where I am wondering if I dreamed her.
The distance between today, as I write this, and four months ago, when I thought everything was fine, is as great as the path to the closest star. I never, in my wildest imaginings, no matter what we faced or went through over the years, thought that one day I would be without her. Certainly not like this.
I work very hard in my relationships. I take nothing for granted but that which is reasonable. In this case, I was sure that this would be the last. I knew my wife's name from the time I was two, which is when I started to read. I dreamed of her, and I was told that this would be the woman I would marry.
I searched my whole life for her, and I found her, and now she is gone, much too soon.
I have failed her. I failed her as a husband, as a friend, and as a companion that she looked to for support. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it has brought me here, to this stupid blog that no-one will ever read.
I don't know how long I can do this. All I know is that I hurt, it is all-over and pervasive, a constant ache that varies only in intensity.
As my wife prepares to move forward with the path she has begun, with no end in sight nor yet a sense of duration or outcome, I do not even have the strength to plan for my own future. The options are there, but I don't care enough to exercise them. Everything hurts.
I am sure I dreamed her, and our life together. It would explain why things now are such a nightmare.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Giving Up On Love
It is said that it's always darkest before the dawn.
The sun hasn't risen yet as I type, and it seems remarkably appropriate to reflect on this maxim just now.
I know that my fears about my marriage, the lonliness, the excruciating pain that seems all I have, the overwhelming guilt about the part I have played in the events leading up to my separation from my wife, my insecurities and doubts about the rightness of my Path and what will happen to me now, all these things and more besides, are illusions. They onlly exist if I bring them into being and feed them.
Goddess knows I am trying. She knows that each day is a new fight, to get up, to go to work, to stay healthy, to stay sane, to find a reason to keep going. So far, I am holding my own, but the edge is never far away.
I can feel, day by day, small things driving themselves between my wife and I like miniature wedges. The passing of time itself pushes us further apart. The little changes in my life, and hers, are things that we didn't do together, decisions that were taken independently, choices made in isolation. I can feel the strings breaking, one by one, gently but inexorably. And I can tell that our mutual decision to initiate this in the first place has acquired a life all it's own, turning it into something that now could not be stopped even if we tried.
I know that this process is exactly what is called for. I know that it is the best way for us to get past the past, to move forward with this life in a healthy way. I'm just heartbroken at what was promised, and what has been lost. I am forced to surrender to the inevitable, and let go of what we had in toto so that the less salutary parts can be excised. This is the thing that gets me, the inference that if some of our marriage was bad and has to be thrown out, maybe the whole thing was.
I cannot believe that.
For now, I am faced with the notion that this is going to take a long time, and I despair of ever being happy again. I am told this, too, will pass, but right now it seems that all I am is a big ball of hurt and sadness and remorse and guilt and disappointment.
It's enough to drive one to give up on the whole idea of love in the first place.
It's enough to make one give up.
But not today.
The sun hasn't risen yet as I type, and it seems remarkably appropriate to reflect on this maxim just now.
I know that my fears about my marriage, the lonliness, the excruciating pain that seems all I have, the overwhelming guilt about the part I have played in the events leading up to my separation from my wife, my insecurities and doubts about the rightness of my Path and what will happen to me now, all these things and more besides, are illusions. They onlly exist if I bring them into being and feed them.
Goddess knows I am trying. She knows that each day is a new fight, to get up, to go to work, to stay healthy, to stay sane, to find a reason to keep going. So far, I am holding my own, but the edge is never far away.
I can feel, day by day, small things driving themselves between my wife and I like miniature wedges. The passing of time itself pushes us further apart. The little changes in my life, and hers, are things that we didn't do together, decisions that were taken independently, choices made in isolation. I can feel the strings breaking, one by one, gently but inexorably. And I can tell that our mutual decision to initiate this in the first place has acquired a life all it's own, turning it into something that now could not be stopped even if we tried.
I know that this process is exactly what is called for. I know that it is the best way for us to get past the past, to move forward with this life in a healthy way. I'm just heartbroken at what was promised, and what has been lost. I am forced to surrender to the inevitable, and let go of what we had in toto so that the less salutary parts can be excised. This is the thing that gets me, the inference that if some of our marriage was bad and has to be thrown out, maybe the whole thing was.
I cannot believe that.
For now, I am faced with the notion that this is going to take a long time, and I despair of ever being happy again. I am told this, too, will pass, but right now it seems that all I am is a big ball of hurt and sadness and remorse and guilt and disappointment.
It's enough to drive one to give up on the whole idea of love in the first place.
It's enough to make one give up.
But not today.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The Ghost Of Failure Past
What an amazing thing.
Since my post earlier today, I was able to track down my ex and speak with her on the phone.
It was a little weird to talk to her. It has been twelve years since we split up. She is married and has a child, but I could still hear the voice of the woman I knew.
She was able to tell me that, way back when, she left because of her, not because of me. She was too young for a long-term relationship, she hadn't done any living at all, and she felt smothered. Not by me, but by the constraints placed upon her by the fact that we were together.
She suggested that if I had anything at all to do with her decisions, it would have only been because of my tendency to over-analyse things in my effort to fully understand them. This, she felt, made things even more confusing for her at a time in her life when things were already confusing enough.
We exchanged pleasantries and general news about people we knew mutually. At the end of things, I thanked her for her insight and time. She said she didn't know if she had helped any, since I seemed to already have most of the answers I was looking for.
I wish I knew what they were.
The bottom line is that, whatever went on, I may not have been as responsible for the break-up as I first suspected. I may not have unresolved issues from that time, per se, and current events and ancient history are the main evils at present. The middle ages are relatively issue-free. Sure they are.
The quest for equilibrium in a world that appears to not have any continues... but I am glad my ex is doing well.
Good for her.
Since my post earlier today, I was able to track down my ex and speak with her on the phone.
It was a little weird to talk to her. It has been twelve years since we split up. She is married and has a child, but I could still hear the voice of the woman I knew.
She was able to tell me that, way back when, she left because of her, not because of me. She was too young for a long-term relationship, she hadn't done any living at all, and she felt smothered. Not by me, but by the constraints placed upon her by the fact that we were together.
She suggested that if I had anything at all to do with her decisions, it would have only been because of my tendency to over-analyse things in my effort to fully understand them. This, she felt, made things even more confusing for her at a time in her life when things were already confusing enough.
We exchanged pleasantries and general news about people we knew mutually. At the end of things, I thanked her for her insight and time. She said she didn't know if she had helped any, since I seemed to already have most of the answers I was looking for.
I wish I knew what they were.
The bottom line is that, whatever went on, I may not have been as responsible for the break-up as I first suspected. I may not have unresolved issues from that time, per se, and current events and ancient history are the main evils at present. The middle ages are relatively issue-free. Sure they are.
The quest for equilibrium in a world that appears to not have any continues... but I am glad my ex is doing well.
Good for her.
I Can See Clearly But The View Is Unsightly
hNOTE: I am Wiccan, and may from time to time mention the Goddess, She whom I lovingly serve. If this makes you uncomfy, I ask you not to worry. It's a witchy thing....
I've had a rather startling revelation. It's nature I will get to in due course, but first some explanation.
Most of the relationships I have had so far have been long-term. This is a preference on my part. While it is great to be in them, long-terms have one serious drawback: Because of the enourmous personal investment they rightly require, the end of one is always, always devastating. It costs a lot. The last time I had a long-term fail, I am afraid I did not handle it well. Not at all. In fact, I did it completely wrong.
You see, I have come to understand that the end of a relationship eventually becomes an opportunity to assess the circumstances and try to figure out what went wrong. I say eventually because, at first, one is incapable of even the most rudimentary navel-gazing. Everything hurts far too much for useful introspection. The point is, such a situation has enourmous potential for personal growth to occur, of a limited type. It therefore behooves one, when one is able, to do some personal work and get things straightened out. Only then can one move forward, perhaps to the next adventure.
In my case, what I did was to go out and gather all the LSD-25 I could lay my hands on. I ended up with enough high-powered blotter acid to keep me self-medicated for about the next three months. This was extremely dangerous. I was suicidal, and I had firearms, and a head full of acid. The only reason I didn't kill myself was that, due to the effects of the acid, I couldn't concentrate on any one thing for long enough to get the deed done. I kept getting distracted, and so nothing of that sort happened. It's funny now, but I vaguely remember being extremely frustrated about.... something, something, dark side,... er... what was I saying?
Every couple of days, I would sober up long enough to check and see that my cats were okay, and to determine if anything had substantively changed. Of course, nothing had, so back under I went. Nearing the end of this period, I met the person to whom I am currently married. Things progressed, she moved in within a month and a half or so, and off we went.
The upshot here is that, because I was so unhappy, so messed up, I suppressed most of the agony I otherwise would have had to deal with had I been in full possession of my faculties. I did not deal with the issues that had led to the breakup in the first place, did no soul-searching, had no therapy. I did acid for three months instead.
Today, I am older, a teensy bit wiser, and I have no acid. In fact, I can't even get any since the trafficking laws changed a few years ago. But of course, even if I could, I do not think I would want it. This shit has got to stop, and it will stop here. The problem remains, though, that this is really complicated now. Not only am I dealing with current events, but I can see that part of the problem here is unresolved stuff from last time that never got dealt with, that is only now, in retrospect, observable and identifiable. Swell.
Here is the revelation part I mentioned before: If I am to deal with this stuff, and heal sufficient to be worthy of the gift my wife represents to me, then one of things I must do is very clear to me now.
I have to contact my ex somehow.
Oh, great.
I wonder if she will even talk to me...... if I can find her, that is.
Wow, I sure didn't see that one coming. Well, as we all know, the universe is comprised of four elements: Fire, air, earth and water.
Bet you didn't know that there is a fifth element.
It is called surprise.
I've had a rather startling revelation. It's nature I will get to in due course, but first some explanation.
Most of the relationships I have had so far have been long-term. This is a preference on my part. While it is great to be in them, long-terms have one serious drawback: Because of the enourmous personal investment they rightly require, the end of one is always, always devastating. It costs a lot. The last time I had a long-term fail, I am afraid I did not handle it well. Not at all. In fact, I did it completely wrong.
You see, I have come to understand that the end of a relationship eventually becomes an opportunity to assess the circumstances and try to figure out what went wrong. I say eventually because, at first, one is incapable of even the most rudimentary navel-gazing. Everything hurts far too much for useful introspection. The point is, such a situation has enourmous potential for personal growth to occur, of a limited type. It therefore behooves one, when one is able, to do some personal work and get things straightened out. Only then can one move forward, perhaps to the next adventure.
In my case, what I did was to go out and gather all the LSD-25 I could lay my hands on. I ended up with enough high-powered blotter acid to keep me self-medicated for about the next three months. This was extremely dangerous. I was suicidal, and I had firearms, and a head full of acid. The only reason I didn't kill myself was that, due to the effects of the acid, I couldn't concentrate on any one thing for long enough to get the deed done. I kept getting distracted, and so nothing of that sort happened. It's funny now, but I vaguely remember being extremely frustrated about.... something, something, dark side,... er... what was I saying?
Every couple of days, I would sober up long enough to check and see that my cats were okay, and to determine if anything had substantively changed. Of course, nothing had, so back under I went. Nearing the end of this period, I met the person to whom I am currently married. Things progressed, she moved in within a month and a half or so, and off we went.
The upshot here is that, because I was so unhappy, so messed up, I suppressed most of the agony I otherwise would have had to deal with had I been in full possession of my faculties. I did not deal with the issues that had led to the breakup in the first place, did no soul-searching, had no therapy. I did acid for three months instead.
Today, I am older, a teensy bit wiser, and I have no acid. In fact, I can't even get any since the trafficking laws changed a few years ago. But of course, even if I could, I do not think I would want it. This shit has got to stop, and it will stop here. The problem remains, though, that this is really complicated now. Not only am I dealing with current events, but I can see that part of the problem here is unresolved stuff from last time that never got dealt with, that is only now, in retrospect, observable and identifiable. Swell.
Here is the revelation part I mentioned before: If I am to deal with this stuff, and heal sufficient to be worthy of the gift my wife represents to me, then one of things I must do is very clear to me now.
I have to contact my ex somehow.
Oh, great.
I wonder if she will even talk to me...... if I can find her, that is.
Wow, I sure didn't see that one coming. Well, as we all know, the universe is comprised of four elements: Fire, air, earth and water.
Bet you didn't know that there is a fifth element.
It is called surprise.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
How Many Calendars?
Uh-oh. My first post to this blog thingy and already I am forced to relate disturbing news. I was hoping that I could ease into the whole here-is-my-drama-why-do-you-think-I-have-a-blog-in-the-first-place thing, but events have conspired against me and forced my fingers, as it were.
Here goes.
Recently, my beloved wife of eleven-plus years and I agreed to begin what we are calling a trial separation. It was a mutual decision, arrived at after much agony and soul-searching on both our parts. The short version is that we realised that there are things we each need to do, personal growth things, and we cannot seem to do them together. Each of us is haunted by our pasts, and to deal with those demons we must, alas, part.
We are in contact, both electronically and via telephony, and we keep each other updated on the usual goings-on in our lives. I am continuing on with looking after the house we rent, and the cats, and my job, and the decorating plans we have made, and doing my best to hold this thing together in the midst of everything else. She is making plans to move to another city, find a job, presumably get her own place, and do... whatever she deems necessary in her quest to become whole.
I am doing everything I can to help her do this, because I think I understand what we are doing and why it is so ciritcal. I support her. I also have things of my own to do, and I will not fail in that....
Jesus, this sounds so disjointed. I had thought I could convey this reasonably clearly, but I think I am just making a mess.
Okay. I will be honest here. This woman is my ideal mate. She is my life. I searched my whole life for her, and found her, and then... something happened. Our marriage has been without the usual serious problems encountered by other couples we have known. Issues we faced always seemed to emanate from outside 'us'. We worked well together as a team and between us there were few things we could not deal with effectively. And we loved each other. Hard. Desperately. On an epic scale. The stuff legend is made of........
What faces us now is shit that has been building for years, and in my misery I am aware that this situation was, in fact, inevitable
I do not know what the future holds for her and I. I want to heal, I want her to be happy, I want us to figure our shit out.... but most of all I want my wife back, whole and ready to move on with the next stage of our life together. We have so many plans...
Unfortunately, these things may not happen in the end. There may be too many changes, there may be things that happen to divert us from our marriage.... we may, at the end, turn out to be people who don't love each other anymore. This I try not to think about.
I know that the only way out of this nightmare is through, and I am prepared to do whatever is needed to make this happen. I know that she is following her intuition, and even though this is the hardest thing I think I have ever done, I am determined to respect her needs and wishes. I am determined to love her still.
Since she left, I have engaged in a little ritual each night: at the exact time I said goodbye and closed the door of the car she left in, I colour in another day on this calendar I have here. It is a way of seeing just how much time has passed, and a marker to gauge my progress toward my own resolutions.
What haunts me is the question: If I am ever given the chance to hold her again, how many calendars will I have to fill before that day comes?
Here goes.
Recently, my beloved wife of eleven-plus years and I agreed to begin what we are calling a trial separation. It was a mutual decision, arrived at after much agony and soul-searching on both our parts. The short version is that we realised that there are things we each need to do, personal growth things, and we cannot seem to do them together. Each of us is haunted by our pasts, and to deal with those demons we must, alas, part.
We are in contact, both electronically and via telephony, and we keep each other updated on the usual goings-on in our lives. I am continuing on with looking after the house we rent, and the cats, and my job, and the decorating plans we have made, and doing my best to hold this thing together in the midst of everything else. She is making plans to move to another city, find a job, presumably get her own place, and do... whatever she deems necessary in her quest to become whole.
I am doing everything I can to help her do this, because I think I understand what we are doing and why it is so ciritcal. I support her. I also have things of my own to do, and I will not fail in that....
Jesus, this sounds so disjointed. I had thought I could convey this reasonably clearly, but I think I am just making a mess.
Okay. I will be honest here. This woman is my ideal mate. She is my life. I searched my whole life for her, and found her, and then... something happened. Our marriage has been without the usual serious problems encountered by other couples we have known. Issues we faced always seemed to emanate from outside 'us'. We worked well together as a team and between us there were few things we could not deal with effectively. And we loved each other. Hard. Desperately. On an epic scale. The stuff legend is made of........
What faces us now is shit that has been building for years, and in my misery I am aware that this situation was, in fact, inevitable
I do not know what the future holds for her and I. I want to heal, I want her to be happy, I want us to figure our shit out.... but most of all I want my wife back, whole and ready to move on with the next stage of our life together. We have so many plans...
Unfortunately, these things may not happen in the end. There may be too many changes, there may be things that happen to divert us from our marriage.... we may, at the end, turn out to be people who don't love each other anymore. This I try not to think about.
I know that the only way out of this nightmare is through, and I am prepared to do whatever is needed to make this happen. I know that she is following her intuition, and even though this is the hardest thing I think I have ever done, I am determined to respect her needs and wishes. I am determined to love her still.
Since she left, I have engaged in a little ritual each night: at the exact time I said goodbye and closed the door of the car she left in, I colour in another day on this calendar I have here. It is a way of seeing just how much time has passed, and a marker to gauge my progress toward my own resolutions.
What haunts me is the question: If I am ever given the chance to hold her again, how many calendars will I have to fill before that day comes?
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