I Can See Clearly But The View Is Unsightly

hNOTE: I am Wiccan, and may from time to time mention the Goddess, She whom I lovingly serve. If this makes you uncomfy, I ask you not to worry. It's a witchy thing....

I've had a rather startling revelation. It's nature I will get to in due course, but first some explanation.

Most of the relationships I have had so far have been long-term. This is a preference on my part. While it is great to be in them, long-terms have one serious drawback: Because of the enourmous personal investment they rightly require, the end of one is always, always devastating. It costs a lot. The last time I had a long-term fail, I am afraid I did not handle it well. Not at all. In fact, I did it completely wrong.

You see, I have come to understand that the end of a relationship eventually becomes an opportunity to assess the circumstances and try to figure out what went wrong. I say eventually because, at first, one is incapable of even the most rudimentary navel-gazing. Everything hurts far too much for useful introspection. The point is, such a situation has enourmous potential for personal growth to occur, of a limited type. It therefore behooves one, when one is able, to do some personal work and get things straightened out. Only then can one move forward, perhaps to the next adventure.

In my case, what I did was to go out and gather all the LSD-25 I could lay my hands on. I ended up with enough high-powered blotter acid to keep me self-medicated for about the next three months. This was extremely dangerous. I was suicidal, and I had firearms, and a head full of acid. The only reason I didn't kill myself was that, due to the effects of the acid, I couldn't concentrate on any one thing for long enough to get the deed done. I kept getting distracted, and so nothing of that sort happened. It's funny now, but I vaguely remember being extremely frustrated about.... something, something, dark side,... er... what was I saying?

Every couple of days, I would sober up long enough to check and see that my cats were okay, and to determine if anything had substantively changed. Of course, nothing had, so back under I went. Nearing the end of this period, I met the person to whom I am currently married. Things progressed, she moved in within a month and a half or so, and off we went.

The upshot here is that, because I was so unhappy, so messed up, I suppressed most of the agony I otherwise would have had to deal with had I been in full possession of my faculties. I did not deal with the issues that had led to the breakup in the first place, did no soul-searching, had no therapy. I did acid for three months instead.

Today, I am older, a teensy bit wiser, and I have no acid. In fact, I can't even get any since the trafficking laws changed a few years ago. But of course, even if I could, I do not think I would want it. This shit has got to stop, and it will stop here. The problem remains, though, that this is really complicated now. Not only am I dealing with current events, but I can see that part of the problem here is unresolved stuff from last time that never got dealt with, that is only now, in retrospect, observable and identifiable. Swell.

Here is the revelation part I mentioned before: If I am to deal with this stuff, and heal sufficient to be worthy of the gift my wife represents to me, then one of things I must do is very clear to me now.
I have to contact my ex somehow.
Oh, great.
I wonder if she will even talk to me...... if I can find her, that is.

Wow, I sure didn't see that one coming. Well, as we all know, the universe is comprised of four elements: Fire, air, earth and water.
Bet you didn't know that there is a fifth element.
It is called surprise.