Uh-oh. My first post to this blog thingy and already I am forced to relate disturbing news. I was hoping that I could ease into the whole here-is-my-drama-why-do-you-think-I-have-a-blog-in-the-first-place thing, but events have conspired against me and forced my fingers, as it were.
Here goes.
Recently, my beloved wife of eleven-plus years and I agreed to begin what we are calling a trial separation. It was a mutual decision, arrived at after much agony and soul-searching on both our parts. The short version is that we realised that there are things we each need to do, personal growth things, and we cannot seem to do them together. Each of us is haunted by our pasts, and to deal with those demons we must, alas, part.
We are in contact, both electronically and via telephony, and we keep each other updated on the usual goings-on in our lives. I am continuing on with looking after the house we rent, and the cats, and my job, and the decorating plans we have made, and doing my best to hold this thing together in the midst of everything else. She is making plans to move to another city, find a job, presumably get her own place, and do... whatever she deems necessary in her quest to become whole.
I am doing everything I can to help her do this, because I think I understand what we are doing and why it is so ciritcal. I support her. I also have things of my own to do, and I will not fail in that....
Jesus, this sounds so disjointed. I had thought I could convey this reasonably clearly, but I think I am just making a mess.
Okay. I will be honest here. This woman is my ideal mate. She is my life. I searched my whole life for her, and found her, and then... something happened. Our marriage has been without the usual serious problems encountered by other couples we have known. Issues we faced always seemed to emanate from outside 'us'. We worked well together as a team and between us there were few things we could not deal with effectively. And we loved each other. Hard. Desperately. On an epic scale. The stuff legend is made of........
What faces us now is shit that has been building for years, and in my misery I am aware that this situation was, in fact, inevitable
I do not know what the future holds for her and I. I want to heal, I want her to be happy, I want us to figure our shit out.... but most of all I want my wife back, whole and ready to move on with the next stage of our life together. We have so many plans...
Unfortunately, these things may not happen in the end. There may be too many changes, there may be things that happen to divert us from our marriage.... we may, at the end, turn out to be people who don't love each other anymore. This I try not to think about.
I know that the only way out of this nightmare is through, and I am prepared to do whatever is needed to make this happen. I know that she is following her intuition, and even though this is the hardest thing I think I have ever done, I am determined to respect her needs and wishes. I am determined to love her still.
Since she left, I have engaged in a little ritual each night: at the exact time I said goodbye and closed the door of the car she left in, I colour in another day on this calendar I have here. It is a way of seeing just how much time has passed, and a marker to gauge my progress toward my own resolutions.
What haunts me is the question: If I am ever given the chance to hold her again, how many calendars will I have to fill before that day comes?
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