Dreaming My Wife

I am so miserable.

Of all the accomplishments in my life so far, the one I am proudest of is my marriage. My wife is a beautiful, stunningly intelligent, frighteningly intuitive, vastly compassionate woman. She carries a steel side within her that comes out at the most opportune moments, her advice is sought after, and she has a wisdom beyond her years.

The fact that I was able to attract such a creature in the first place is something I am truly grateful for. Over the years, many have been the times when I have wondered 'Why did she pick me?' I have never found an answer that explained this. I have simply had to thank my good fortune and not question it too closely.

Now, I am at the point where I am wondering if I dreamed her.

The distance between today, as I write this, and four months ago, when I thought everything was fine, is as great as the path to the closest star. I never, in my wildest imaginings, no matter what we faced or went through over the years, thought that one day I would be without her. Certainly not like this.

I work very hard in my relationships. I take nothing for granted but that which is reasonable. In this case, I was sure that this would be the last. I knew my wife's name from the time I was two, which is when I started to read. I dreamed of her, and I was told that this would be the woman I would marry.

I searched my whole life for her, and I found her, and now she is gone, much too soon.

I have failed her. I failed her as a husband, as a friend, and as a companion that she looked to for support. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it has brought me here, to this stupid blog that no-one will ever read.

I don't know how long I can do this. All I know is that I hurt, it is all-over and pervasive, a constant ache that varies only in intensity.

As my wife prepares to move forward with the path she has begun, with no end in sight nor yet a sense of duration or outcome, I do not even have the strength to plan for my own future. The options are there, but I don't care enough to exercise them. Everything hurts.

I am sure I dreamed her, and our life together. It would explain why things now are such a nightmare.