The Second Day Of Our New Life...

Things just keep getting clearer.
I had the most amazing visit with my wife yesterday. I went to the college where she works when I was finished for the day, and we had about ninety minutes together. She told me many things, including a detailed description of how she feels to be back at the college and how great it is for her, and how she is discovering what an amazing person she truly is. I felt it inappropriate to remind her that I have been unswervingly devoted to her for eleven years, and for much of that time I have told her the same things (in fact, I found a letter I wrote to her five years ago that was an attempt to answer her question 'What do you see in me?' I went on for five pages about why I loved her so much, her finer qualities, the things that drew me to her so powerfully.... The funny thing is, I could have writ this letter yesterday. Nothing has changed; I still feel the same way today as I did then).
I am not offended; I realise that for me to tell her how wonderful she is is one thing ( I am apparently biased =)), but for her to actually internalise it is something else entirely. I am just glad that she can finally, after all this time, really see who she is and how much she has going for her. I am also so very, very proud of her for her achievements, accomplishments, and the way she has at last chosen her time to be happy.
The best part for me, perhaps selfishly, is that through all this she still wants to be my wife; I get to be part of this process, as our Paths once again become one. That's very humbling, as it was the first time she chose me, but it is also enervating and makes me incredibly, quietly, happy. I am really looking forward to further adventures with her, and I can't wait to see what we do next. Full speed ahead, and to hell with the fear.....

One thing really got my attention. I reminded her that there were measures we took long ago that were absolutely necessary at the time, but that eventually contibuted to the events of this summer. One example is that we purposefully removed ourselves from the influence of people that had the power and inclination to meddle in our lives, both as individuals and as a married couple. This led to us isolating ourselves from just about everyone we cared about, because we got to a point where they, too, became threats to us...
She replied that this is one reason why there is no blame in this case, for either of us. We did what we had to do; we just didn't know where those actions would take us.
That gave me a lot to think about. I had for some time been having trouble reconciling decisions and policies that were right at the time of implementation, but that had been proven to have directly contributed to our troubles of the past year. This had me wondering how much of an asshole I had been, and how badly I had fucked this up, and to what degree I was responsible for just how unhappy my wife had become, the one person I would never, ever, willingly or knowingly hurt.
She was able to explain this part of the process in such a way that it became very clear to me, and I am still shaking my head at the way things turn out sometimes.
Strange how decisions made years ago in innocence introduce things that quietly, eventually, build into the very things needed years later to resolve other issues that are seemingly unrelated.
This is really weird.

Once again, I am awed by my wife's insight, and her ability to reduce very complex issues down to simple concepts, apparently effortlessly. I am indeed fortunate.

Of one thing I am sure: with all the effort that went into creating the conditions necessary to give us a second chance at the life we deserve together, something wants us to stay united.
I guess, as they say, we were meant to be, although that is not precisely true. We do not have the right to be anything, but we have been given the chance to do it right.
Either way, that's okay, because we have a lot to do.

I love my wife beyond my ability to articulate it, and I am grateful for this chance with her. That conversation she & I began so many lifetimes ago can now continue: We get to love again.
I think the Goddess is well pleased.

So What If The House Is Messy???

I am about to embark on the next great adventure of my life.
You see, my wife is coming home.
We are both still going through our respective processes, but we can see where those are leading, and they are leading us back home, together.
We get the chance to start again, taking into account all that has happened, all that has changed, and all that has remained constant. This is a remarkable opportunity, to start over, knowing all that we know now, and getting to do things differently.
She and I have been talking a lot recently, and we have realised that the chance we have taken has worked. Her intuition is at the heart of this; without that, we would still be where we were, and that was not a good place to be for long. Despite the fact that we spent a very long time in that place, we have somehow been able to find a way out of it, and move toward something better. Something healthy.
Dark had been my dreams of late, wondering how this was going to go, where this was going to go, how I would survive it. Knowing now how she feels and what she has discovered over the past weeks, I feel like the nightmare has finally ended. I no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, feeling like it is my responsibility to give a fuck when everyone else is having a good time and being reasonably carefree. My own insights into my part in how we got to where we did have shown me the error of my priorities, the foolishness of my focii, the poor judgement I used to arrive at my conclusions. And I can now move forward, leaving that self behind, acknowledging the sacrifices I made for the things I thought were important, but understanding that there are many other things that are actually important that now must be satisfied...

She asked me once, 'When do I get to be happy?' I did not have an answer for her, nor do I now; that is not my place. At the time, I felt like an enourmous bag of shit that she had got to the point of asking such a question. Her sorrow and unhappiness were pervading everything she did, and it went unchecked, unaddressed, for too long.
Since we reestablished contact last week, I have never seen her happier. Well, that is not true; once, long ago, back in the morning of our relationship, she was this happy. Then, something happened. The curtain fell, our lifestyle and its principles asserted its grip on us, and we passed into darkness for ten years.

She feels clean, healthy, renewed, reawakened, and reconnected to herself and the people around her. Her energy is purer, somehow, unfettered and no longer tainted by doubt or duty. I am falling in love with her all over again, and I am really looking forward to experiencing the process of discovering her anew.
She is everything to me, and I feel that now we are in a position where we can realise the potential of our pairing. There is so much to do, and we have so many plans....
And, she loves her wedding band, which fits perfectly.

I am not sure when she will be home. She was home yesterday, to see the cats and be with me; I had to send one of the cats on his way yesterday morning. LeStat was very ill, and wasn't going to come out of it on his own, and I tried everything to make him comfortable. But it was, it turned out, his time.
We miss him.
My wife is still working through some things, as am I, but she tells me she is nearly ready to come home and move forward with me into our future, a future I dared not hope to see. I am hopeful that she will take the time she needs, as much as she needs, but I do not think she will rush herself. There is no point, and as I have mentioned, she is in her own way brilliant. She knows what she is doing, and that is good enough for me.
I trust.
I believe.
I commit.
I wait, because the process must be satisfied. We have not come this far to do anything foolish.

I seem to be surrounded by love and light, and in part I have my wife to thank for that. What is between us has emerged stronger and better than it was, and we can certainly build something worthwhile on it.
For now, though, I am content to work on the house and know that we did the right thing.
I could not be happier.

Breathing Is Easier Than Not

The light has broken through the darkness. My faith in my wife, the courage we shared in separating, has been rewarded.

I spoke with my wife yesterday, after two straight weeks of not hearing from her at all. She assured me that all was well, we are still married, my faith in her and what she is doing is not misplaced, and that she wants to see me. She is working at the college we both attended tomorrow, and we are meeting there for coffee.

She is very impressed that I have discovered who I am without all the anger.

She says she feels better. Much better, about herself and about our situation.

I told her I needed something to believe in. She said, 'Well, I am right here.'

I told her about my three part mantra, that which I repeat to myself whenever the going gets rough and I am afraid of the future.
Part One: I am still married (she said, 'Yes, you are.')
Part Two: The last thing she said as she was leaving was 'Goodbye for now.' (she said 'And I meant it.')
Part Three: I trust my wife (she said, 'As you should.')

We are both getting healthier. We are getting stronger. We are getting better.

I am so full of optimism about my future with her. I can feel the power we jointly generate flowing around me even now; yesterday during the conversation it was almost intolerable.

She is really pleased that our diplomas are framed, even mine is up on the wall. It looks very impressive.

I can see a little more clearly now... the rain is lifting, and the rainbow I was praying for has unveiled itself.

My thanks to the Goddess... for my wife, the fairest of Her daughters.

We have so much yet to do, but it is getting done.


I am happy, for the first time in four months, for the first time in twenty years. I feel unburdened, lighter, now that I have released all the weight I carried for so long. I thank my wife for her patience, her understanding, her power, her support, her love, and her faith in me.

We are not finished here yet, but we are making progress. And that is something to crow about.
Blessed Be to all.

NOTE TO SELF: Hell is the absence of hope.

Is This All That I Am?

It's been a rough ride so far.
Every day when I get up, there is that few seconds of wakeful forgetting, when I don't remember what I am doing or the situation I am in. The most horrible thing I have to deal with, for those few seconds, is the fact that I am getting up to go to a job a very much dislike. Then I remember, the wave collapses over me, and my job is shoved back out of the limelight as an irrelevancy.
I think back to those halcyon days, five months or so ago, when I thought everything was fine. Not that everything was perfect, mind; there were nagging little things that I was trying to resolve. But for the most part I thought we were speeding along quite nicely. I was reasonably happy. The thing is, those days seem so far away, lifetimes ago, and I can't quite believe that I ever had that sense of well-being, contentedness, and every-day comfort that was the norm then. It is almost as if it belonged to another person, and I have always been this, what I am now: broken, shameful, scared, remorseful, disappointed, and ever so sad.
I do not know what the future holds. I have my plans, my objectives, my challenges. I hope that my wife comes home someday, full of promise and optimism, ready to go forward with me. But I cannot see anything past the next few minutes, and that is a new and terrifying experience for me. I have always known what was happening, what was going to happen next, where I was going in my life. Now, everything is essentially on hold while I await... well, I do not know what I am waiting for. Whatever happens next, I suppose.
I love my wife more than my own life, and I hope she is finding what she seeks. As for me, I will be here, waiting for her to come home, until I am told she won't be.
I am so tired.

It's A Test of Faith, Stupid

I have become a creature of faith.

In this ongoing lesson that is the separation from my beloved wife, I am finding that the only thing that is keeping me from going completely mad is faith, trust, and belief.
Faith in the love that drew us together in the first place.

Belief in the process we are each of us undergoing, in different ways, that must happen if we are to have a chance at a future together.
Trust in my wife, that she knows what she is doing, and that she won't break my heart in the long run.
Yesterday, I put a deposit down on her wedding band, to go with the engagement ring my mother gave me for her.
Her Winter Solstice present this year will be new kitchen cabinetry; my wife is a kitchen witch by preference, and some of her best magic happens there. So, new cabinets, crafted and desinged by moi, to be ready before I go for surgery in early December.
Surgery in early December??? Yup, I am having my vasectomy reversed, because she & I will make amazing parents, and we both want this badly.
After that, in early January I will be booking the venue for our wedding and paying the deposit on that, in addition to continuing with the plans and preparations for the ceremony. And on and on....
I am proceeding according to the assumption that she will be back, we will complete this process successfully, and we shall go on with our life together and fulfill the promise we made. I cannot continue under any other. If I were to assume otherwise, life simply wouldn't be worth living. I will not rush her, nor make a problem for her, nor stalk her or call her endlessly or any other damnfool thing. I will be patient and I will wait until she gives me something to suggest another course of action.
You see, I have faith.
I trust.
And, I believe.

The Next Step

Today is the day for changes.

My wife is leaving her parents' place, where she has been for the last three weeks, and relocating to the residence of a dear friend of ours, close to her work, where she will be safe.

This friend has a two-bedroom cottage on a lake that he is renting. My wife assures me that I need not worry, we are still married, and there will be no foolishness to be concerned with.

I am happy that she is getting out of the city. I am happy that she is moving on with her path. I am happy that she can do all this and stay true to her needs.

I just wish it was over with, that the process was complete and we were back together, moving forward with our path, our plans, our future.

I am feeling a little wistful just now, and hoping that I can maintain my trust, faith, and belief in the face of all the uncertainties that surround me. I have my own paths to walk, and my own discoveries to make. I know what I need to do, for the moment, and that's all that matters: the Moment.

That said, my wife's path is divergent from mine today, continuing the process that we have been facing for months. I miss her, but I know she is doing what she needs to.

I want us to be healthy, whole, and reunited. The only way to get through it is to go through it. The process must be answered, acknowledged, and fulfilled.

It's a matter of time. I will try not to hurry things. I will instead remain task-oriented, so that the goal achieves itself.

What is, must be.

When Will Then Be Now?

What a day it's been.

I went to see my uncle, of whom I had questions to ask. Those had to do with family history, and why my father was always so enraged by everything around him. Why he seemed so unhappy, so desperate, so unfulfilled, so damnably morose all the time.

I was able to get some of those answers, and putting them together with what I have already discovered, I think I have a pretty complete picture of what went on and where I got the behaviours I so recently disposed of.

Mission accomplished. About this, I actually feel better.

What is driving me insane here is very simple: I want my wife back.

I know the only way to deal with this situation is to go through it. I know that our paths will converge again. I know that she & I aren't yet finished. And I know that she has her own stuff to resolve.

I also know that this will take time.

It's just that I am so tired and fed up. I hate feeling this way. I miss her so much, it's a physical pain that sometimes subsides to a dull ache but usually is a sharp agony, always fresh and in high-definition. I am trying to keep busy, doing things around the house that she & I had already decided we would do. I look forward to the day when she returns here, to live again. I remind myself to keep the faith, to trust her, to believe in the love we share and the things that bound us in the first place, which have not changed.

I try so hard to keep it together. But it doesn't always work, and so here I am, alone, aching inside like I have been recently stabbed, missing her terribly, and forcing myself to not worry, to not panic.

With all that I am, I hope she can find her way back home.

Dawn May Have Broken, Or Maybe Not

This has been the worst week yet.

If anyone has read this stuff, it should be clear that I am not doing so well, despite the fact that I understand what is going on and why it is happening. Insight and familiarity do nothing to assuage the hopeless feelings of loss that I am experiencing, and no matter how much I know, or think I know, I cannot deny that the emotional component of my situation demands recognition.

And so I must submit to it. Every day.

Still, it is not all black. What I am grieving for is the loss of what we once were, and the things that we did that made me so happy, and proud, and feel safe. I am grieving for the past that is slipping away, minute by minute, into that place where memory goes to die.
And this is as it should be, for a very good reason.

It has occured to me, and my wife concurs, that we cannot move forward together until we have rid ourselves of this past. The new cannot be installed until the old has been removed, for there is simply no room left. The new life we envisioned for ourselves, with a new approach and a different set of priorities, unfortunately has so many riders attached to it from the old ways that we aren't able to move on.

This, I think, is the lion's share of what is happening here. My wife's intuition has led us here, but she was unable to articulate exactly what was happening. She just knew that something had to. My analytical skills have, we suspect, provided something like an answer to this conundrum.

This is the essence of polarity work. The strongest magic, the purest spells, are always the result of two opposites working in unison. This is nothing against gay marriage or other arrangement; persons in those situations must be aware, though, that there will be limitations for them in their workings.

That being said, I have learned from my wife what her intentions are in the short-to-medium-term. She is finally getting out of the city and will be staying with a dear friend of ours, whom we both trust, for the next month or so until she can get a place of her own in town, close to her work. From there, we shall see what happens.

She wants to be kept abreast of what is going on with our house, and the things day-to-day that I get accomplished or have happen. I guess she doesn't need the distance I thought she did.

She tells me that what I need to do right now, is to find out who I am without all the anger, the anger that drove this mess in the first place that I have since, somehow, released.

I will do this. I will continue the process today.

I am going to see my uncle. He may have some answers for me.

Blessed Lammas.