When Will Then Be Now?

What a day it's been.

I went to see my uncle, of whom I had questions to ask. Those had to do with family history, and why my father was always so enraged by everything around him. Why he seemed so unhappy, so desperate, so unfulfilled, so damnably morose all the time.

I was able to get some of those answers, and putting them together with what I have already discovered, I think I have a pretty complete picture of what went on and where I got the behaviours I so recently disposed of.

Mission accomplished. About this, I actually feel better.

What is driving me insane here is very simple: I want my wife back.

I know the only way to deal with this situation is to go through it. I know that our paths will converge again. I know that she & I aren't yet finished. And I know that she has her own stuff to resolve.

I also know that this will take time.

It's just that I am so tired and fed up. I hate feeling this way. I miss her so much, it's a physical pain that sometimes subsides to a dull ache but usually is a sharp agony, always fresh and in high-definition. I am trying to keep busy, doing things around the house that she & I had already decided we would do. I look forward to the day when she returns here, to live again. I remind myself to keep the faith, to trust her, to believe in the love we share and the things that bound us in the first place, which have not changed.

I try so hard to keep it together. But it doesn't always work, and so here I am, alone, aching inside like I have been recently stabbed, missing her terribly, and forcing myself to not worry, to not panic.

With all that I am, I hope she can find her way back home.