Things just keep getting clearer.
I had the most amazing visit with my wife yesterday. I went to the college where she works when I was finished for the day, and we had about ninety minutes together. She told me many things, including a detailed description of how she feels to be back at the college and how great it is for her, and how she is discovering what an amazing person she truly is. I felt it inappropriate to remind her that I have been unswervingly devoted to her for eleven years, and for much of that time I have told her the same things (in fact, I found a letter I wrote to her five years ago that was an attempt to answer her question 'What do you see in me?' I went on for five pages about why I loved her so much, her finer qualities, the things that drew me to her so powerfully.... The funny thing is, I could have writ this letter yesterday. Nothing has changed; I still feel the same way today as I did then).
I am not offended; I realise that for me to tell her how wonderful she is is one thing ( I am apparently biased =)), but for her to actually internalise it is something else entirely. I am just glad that she can finally, after all this time, really see who she is and how much she has going for her. I am also so very, very proud of her for her achievements, accomplishments, and the way she has at last chosen her time to be happy.
The best part for me, perhaps selfishly, is that through all this she still wants to be my wife; I get to be part of this process, as our Paths once again become one. That's very humbling, as it was the first time she chose me, but it is also enervating and makes me incredibly, quietly, happy. I am really looking forward to further adventures with her, and I can't wait to see what we do next. Full speed ahead, and to hell with the fear.....
One thing really got my attention. I reminded her that there were measures we took long ago that were absolutely necessary at the time, but that eventually contibuted to the events of this summer. One example is that we purposefully removed ourselves from the influence of people that had the power and inclination to meddle in our lives, both as individuals and as a married couple. This led to us isolating ourselves from just about everyone we cared about, because we got to a point where they, too, became threats to us...
She replied that this is one reason why there is no blame in this case, for either of us. We did what we had to do; we just didn't know where those actions would take us.
That gave me a lot to think about. I had for some time been having trouble reconciling decisions and policies that were right at the time of implementation, but that had been proven to have directly contributed to our troubles of the past year. This had me wondering how much of an asshole I had been, and how badly I had fucked this up, and to what degree I was responsible for just how unhappy my wife had become, the one person I would never, ever, willingly or knowingly hurt.
She was able to explain this part of the process in such a way that it became very clear to me, and I am still shaking my head at the way things turn out sometimes.
Strange how decisions made years ago in innocence introduce things that quietly, eventually, build into the very things needed years later to resolve other issues that are seemingly unrelated.
This is really weird.
Once again, I am awed by my wife's insight, and her ability to reduce very complex issues down to simple concepts, apparently effortlessly. I am indeed fortunate.
Of one thing I am sure: with all the effort that went into creating the conditions necessary to give us a second chance at the life we deserve together, something wants us to stay united.
I guess, as they say, we were meant to be, although that is not precisely true. We do not have the right to be anything, but we have been given the chance to do it right.
Either way, that's okay, because we have a lot to do.
I love my wife beyond my ability to articulate it, and I am grateful for this chance with her. That conversation she & I began so many lifetimes ago can now continue: We get to love again.
I think the Goddess is well pleased.
I had the most amazing visit with my wife yesterday. I went to the college where she works when I was finished for the day, and we had about ninety minutes together. She told me many things, including a detailed description of how she feels to be back at the college and how great it is for her, and how she is discovering what an amazing person she truly is. I felt it inappropriate to remind her that I have been unswervingly devoted to her for eleven years, and for much of that time I have told her the same things (in fact, I found a letter I wrote to her five years ago that was an attempt to answer her question 'What do you see in me?' I went on for five pages about why I loved her so much, her finer qualities, the things that drew me to her so powerfully.... The funny thing is, I could have writ this letter yesterday. Nothing has changed; I still feel the same way today as I did then).
I am not offended; I realise that for me to tell her how wonderful she is is one thing ( I am apparently biased =)), but for her to actually internalise it is something else entirely. I am just glad that she can finally, after all this time, really see who she is and how much she has going for her. I am also so very, very proud of her for her achievements, accomplishments, and the way she has at last chosen her time to be happy.
The best part for me, perhaps selfishly, is that through all this she still wants to be my wife; I get to be part of this process, as our Paths once again become one. That's very humbling, as it was the first time she chose me, but it is also enervating and makes me incredibly, quietly, happy. I am really looking forward to further adventures with her, and I can't wait to see what we do next. Full speed ahead, and to hell with the fear.....
One thing really got my attention. I reminded her that there were measures we took long ago that were absolutely necessary at the time, but that eventually contibuted to the events of this summer. One example is that we purposefully removed ourselves from the influence of people that had the power and inclination to meddle in our lives, both as individuals and as a married couple. This led to us isolating ourselves from just about everyone we cared about, because we got to a point where they, too, became threats to us...
She replied that this is one reason why there is no blame in this case, for either of us. We did what we had to do; we just didn't know where those actions would take us.
That gave me a lot to think about. I had for some time been having trouble reconciling decisions and policies that were right at the time of implementation, but that had been proven to have directly contributed to our troubles of the past year. This had me wondering how much of an asshole I had been, and how badly I had fucked this up, and to what degree I was responsible for just how unhappy my wife had become, the one person I would never, ever, willingly or knowingly hurt.
She was able to explain this part of the process in such a way that it became very clear to me, and I am still shaking my head at the way things turn out sometimes.
Strange how decisions made years ago in innocence introduce things that quietly, eventually, build into the very things needed years later to resolve other issues that are seemingly unrelated.
This is really weird.
Once again, I am awed by my wife's insight, and her ability to reduce very complex issues down to simple concepts, apparently effortlessly. I am indeed fortunate.
Of one thing I am sure: with all the effort that went into creating the conditions necessary to give us a second chance at the life we deserve together, something wants us to stay united.
I guess, as they say, we were meant to be, although that is not precisely true. We do not have the right to be anything, but we have been given the chance to do it right.
Either way, that's okay, because we have a lot to do.
I love my wife beyond my ability to articulate it, and I am grateful for this chance with her. That conversation she & I began so many lifetimes ago can now continue: We get to love again.
I think the Goddess is well pleased.
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