Is It Over Yet?

Wow, what a year it has been.

We knew that 2009 was going to be a year of great changes, personally and generally, but I had no idea what that would become. Tentatively, I have begun to look back over the past twelve months, being gentle and painstaking in my traverse. There is a lot of hurt here, as well as joy and triumph, and I am still a little fragile even now. I can't deal with a lot of in-depth soul-searching, and I don't want to relive the madness I endured over the summer, but I can at least acknowledge the process and rebuild that sense of wonder I felt at the way things work out. I need to remember that things always work out.

I mentioned the other day to my wife that I had noticed how things seemed to be consistently going our way; nothing major or huge, just a series of little things that have resolved in our favour, a progression that has made me begin to wonder when I should start expecting the other shoe. She replied that this is not something to be amazed at; now that we aren't fighting it, and allowing the flow to work, this is how things should have been all along. I felt a little ashamed. I felt cheated of the years, all the time spent resisting the good stuff. I felt that I had let my wife down.

She would say, though, that everything happens in its' time. She would say that there is no blame. She would say that the moment is all that matters. And she would be correct.

I have learned so much this year, and I am a happier, stronger, more contented person because of it. I am pleased at the way things have turned out, but still I feel a small sense of disappointment, as if something is holding me back. Something is blocked. It is a subtle one, this feeling, and I had not really noticed it until I wrote it down just now. Stephen King says that people don't really know what they think until they write it down, and I have been surprised by this phenomenon ever since I read that. Still, I will give this some thought over the weekend and discuss it with my wife at some point.

I don't want the ride to end. Things are going great just now, and I think my fear is that this is only temporary bliss before the next round of horror. I am resolved, however, to ensure that clarity, peace, and balance remain my watchwords, now and forever more.

Despite the clouds on the global horizon, which we are well aware of, there remains joy to be found in the simplest of things. And we notice these.

We will continue, and improve, and be blessed in all things.

Where we live now

The snow is beginning to accumulate as I write this from the safety of our warm house. We live on a landform called an alvar, which is a not-terribly-well-understood formation characterised by primarily flat topography, very thin overburden, and a high water table.
This area is officially known as the Carden Plain, and is a provincially recognised Important Bird Area. It is host to the last 300 or so breeding pairs of Northern Shrike, as well as being beset by multitudes of other winged warriors year-round. My wife and I have even, on three occasions, positively ID'd a three-toed woodpecker in our wood room, which is extremely rare and an occasion for kudos. We will get a picture someday, and then the sighting will be official.
Our road is a dead end, and traffic on it is restricted to locals, the odd snowplow, the postal carrier, and, in the spring and summer, hordes of city people come to ignore property lines in their desire to see the birds. Dressed in identical Tilley hats, imitation Banana Republic cargo vests, and sporting very large and obviously expensive optical equipment, they rather rudely block the narrow back roads and yell imprecations when a local attempts to negotiate the resulting obstacle course.
For now, though, the snow is falling rather thickly, the fire is settled, and the cats are lazy. We have nowhere we need to be today, though if we did have a destination we could get there thanks to our trusty Subaru. Even if the power were to fail, we would not really notice, since we have a stove for heat, lots of wood to burn, and several options for cooking purposes.
We love living here. It is not, despite appearances, the middle of nowhere; there is lots of somewhere all around us. Ours is thus a little oasis of nowhere in the midst of the chaos that surrounds this area, and even though it seems isolated and lonely, this is manifestly not the case.
My wife is particularly firm on this point. Her family was appalled when they saw what we had moved to, soon after we took up residence here. They thought I had purposefully isolated her from them. They thought that I was so neurotic, so hateful, that I had engineered a means by which my wife would be completely under my control at all times. They thought I had even refused to allow her a driver's licence for the same reasons.
What they did not know, and have since been appraised of, is that all this was her idea too. We moved here in mutual agreement, citing the privacy, the awesome silence, the space, the calm, as being of primacy. She had no licence because she had not wanted one. Her choice.
And we continue to love it, even though getting anywhere requires a car. That's the way it is out in the country. There are some other things that go with this beautiful territory....
The only gunfire you hear out in these parts is the sound of somebody filling their larder, not settling a score or completing an initiation or proving a point or scoring some smokes.
There is no street racing, other than the odd encounter with a road-filling combine.
The police have an average response time of forty minutes upon getting a 911 call. This is not because they are lazy or indifferent; this is because they have a huge territory to somehow cover. And so on.
This life we have is wonder-filled, and we find that our education really allows us to appreciate the land around us, the antics of the wildlife, the reasons why things look the way they do. It is nice to not have to lock our doors at night, either on the house or the car. Crossing the road does not involve taking one's life in one's hands. We don't even have salespeople, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, or survey-takers show up out here. And that's the way we like it.
Anyone who has an objection to that should really stay in the city, where it is apparently much safer. If you must come up here, try working on your manners first. We don't take kindly to rudeness, and we certainly won't welcome you back.

2012 and the Suspension of Reason

"...That which we do not understand only appears irrelevant..."

My wife and I went to see Mr Emmerich's latest offering on opening night.
Given his movie credits thus far, we were unsurprised to discover that he had taken on the idea of 2012 and the myths surrounding it. We have a copy of the book we suspect this film to be inspired by, and it is a fabulous read.
That said, the film left us a little disappointed, from the science end of things. For example, if the sun were to be emitting CME's of the size described in the early part of the film, we would be seeing auroras of a biblical scale. This little detail was not shown, although I could certainly see that some things had to be left on the cutting-room floor. The visuals are breathtaking, however, and the oblique reference to the uranium deposit under the Yellowstone Caldera, in the form of the nature of the explosion once the park begins to unzip, was a direct reference to the above-mentioned book (Apocalypse 2012 by Lawrence Joseph). We also noted the extremely fast reference to Ontario as being a source of confirmation for the neutrino activity being observed in India; this is, of course, a nod to the neutrino counter in Sudbury.
Little details that make a film worth seeing, and make me happy to notice them. A great film, and definitely worth the seven bucks to see in theatre...
The rather rare effort by NASA to debunk the 2012 mythos and calm any panic that was released on Wednesday last week disappointed me somewhat. NASA essentially went through some questions, dealing with our passage through the plane of the ecliptic and the possible existence of Nibiru, and in each case defended it's assertion that nothing will happen three years from now by asking 'Where's the science? Where is the evidence? Where is the proof?'
Absence of evidence is not the same as evidence of absence, and only a complete fool would presume otherwise. NASA said that no credible scientist in any way supported the idea that something of a deleterious nature will occur around the magical end-date of the current Mayan calendar. My wife and I have assertions from credible scientists saying exactly the opposite, but recall the revised version of Newton's Third Law: For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert.
What I find arrogant about this is that NASA is displaying the hallmarks of institutionalised science world-wide: we will conveniently ignore and ridicule anything that does not conveniently fit with current models. There is tenure at stake, people. Careers and reputations to defend. Government and private sector funding to secure. Money to be made using the old paradigm.
I am to understand that, in the august opinion of NASA, remarks and writings made thousands of years ago by peoples belonging to civilisations that a) lasted a lot longer than ours and b) achieved things that we cannot equal with all our technology and expertise, are to be simply regarded as irrelevant and without merit or value because we cannot comfortably understand them? Information that has been, against all odds, placed into our hands at the end of a three-thousand-year cultural relay race is to be discounted out-of-hand because to acknowledge it would threaten the very underpinnings of our society? The ancients knew nothing? They were simply playing games? Ignorant savages that just happened to know a thing or two about architecture that lasts?
Every ancient culture we have a name for tells essentially the same story: at around this time, the planet undergoes another iteration of a cyclical process, a renewal of sorts, that marks the end of one age and the beginning of another. Even a casual study of evolution shows this same process: long periods of evolutionary fun and games during which fish turn to amphibia turn to mammals, and then a comparatively brief but intense period of global change that wipes the slate clean for the next stage of development. Real estate developers do this all the time, razing existing buildings to powder to make way for spanky new buildings that promise even more.
In our estimation, 2012 and the years surrounding it do not mean the end of the world. This planet is busy with its own agenda, and change is as much a part of that as the water cycle. It does, however mean the end of our world, since things are at the point now where even small changes have enourmous effects on our incredibly complex and thus fragile human society. The human world cannot hope to withstand even a percentage of what was depicted in the film, and the Maya foretold far worse, as did the Hopi, the Maori, the Aztecs, the Egyptians, the ancient Japanese...
Let me underscore something. Complexity in any system is directly proportional to the fragility of that system. Humans have placed themselves at enourmous risk by inducing incalculable complexity into our way of life in spite of the obstacles posed by the earth and its vagaries. By assuming as an article of faith that the world is our dominion and we are here to use it for our exclusive needs and bollocks to everything else, we have also assumed that we understand this planet in its entirety and it holds no surprises. Anything we do not understand is thus irrelevant. NASA's vaunted science is beginning, and only beginning, to suspect that there is much more to this world than we thought. Our ability to see certain things, like earth processes and cycles, was obscured by the fact that such processes generally thumb their noses at puny human lifetimes, instead unfolding over much longer periods of time. The only way we can see them is through the medium of our unique ability to transfer information from generation to generation; we call this 'cultural inheritance' and it is an awesome power.
If institutional science is left in charge, we appear to be guilty of squandering that inheritance.
The Socratic Paradox is a double-edged sword. It's conclusions can paralyse or liberate, depending on the humility of the observer. Unfortunately, the epitaph of our species will likely not include the word 'humble', as we are anything but.
We are paralysed, and the time for study has run out.
I realise that this little blog will change nothing, and that the human world will run its course unhindered by reason or common sense or even a little humility. I just wanted to throw this out there into the void, so that at least I can say I said it.

The Second Day Of Our New Life...

Things just keep getting clearer.
I had the most amazing visit with my wife yesterday. I went to the college where she works when I was finished for the day, and we had about ninety minutes together. She told me many things, including a detailed description of how she feels to be back at the college and how great it is for her, and how she is discovering what an amazing person she truly is. I felt it inappropriate to remind her that I have been unswervingly devoted to her for eleven years, and for much of that time I have told her the same things (in fact, I found a letter I wrote to her five years ago that was an attempt to answer her question 'What do you see in me?' I went on for five pages about why I loved her so much, her finer qualities, the things that drew me to her so powerfully.... The funny thing is, I could have writ this letter yesterday. Nothing has changed; I still feel the same way today as I did then).
I am not offended; I realise that for me to tell her how wonderful she is is one thing ( I am apparently biased =)), but for her to actually internalise it is something else entirely. I am just glad that she can finally, after all this time, really see who she is and how much she has going for her. I am also so very, very proud of her for her achievements, accomplishments, and the way she has at last chosen her time to be happy.
The best part for me, perhaps selfishly, is that through all this she still wants to be my wife; I get to be part of this process, as our Paths once again become one. That's very humbling, as it was the first time she chose me, but it is also enervating and makes me incredibly, quietly, happy. I am really looking forward to further adventures with her, and I can't wait to see what we do next. Full speed ahead, and to hell with the fear.....

One thing really got my attention. I reminded her that there were measures we took long ago that were absolutely necessary at the time, but that eventually contibuted to the events of this summer. One example is that we purposefully removed ourselves from the influence of people that had the power and inclination to meddle in our lives, both as individuals and as a married couple. This led to us isolating ourselves from just about everyone we cared about, because we got to a point where they, too, became threats to us...
She replied that this is one reason why there is no blame in this case, for either of us. We did what we had to do; we just didn't know where those actions would take us.
That gave me a lot to think about. I had for some time been having trouble reconciling decisions and policies that were right at the time of implementation, but that had been proven to have directly contributed to our troubles of the past year. This had me wondering how much of an asshole I had been, and how badly I had fucked this up, and to what degree I was responsible for just how unhappy my wife had become, the one person I would never, ever, willingly or knowingly hurt.
She was able to explain this part of the process in such a way that it became very clear to me, and I am still shaking my head at the way things turn out sometimes.
Strange how decisions made years ago in innocence introduce things that quietly, eventually, build into the very things needed years later to resolve other issues that are seemingly unrelated.
This is really weird.

Once again, I am awed by my wife's insight, and her ability to reduce very complex issues down to simple concepts, apparently effortlessly. I am indeed fortunate.

Of one thing I am sure: with all the effort that went into creating the conditions necessary to give us a second chance at the life we deserve together, something wants us to stay united.
I guess, as they say, we were meant to be, although that is not precisely true. We do not have the right to be anything, but we have been given the chance to do it right.
Either way, that's okay, because we have a lot to do.

I love my wife beyond my ability to articulate it, and I am grateful for this chance with her. That conversation she & I began so many lifetimes ago can now continue: We get to love again.
I think the Goddess is well pleased.

So What If The House Is Messy???

I am about to embark on the next great adventure of my life.
You see, my wife is coming home.
We are both still going through our respective processes, but we can see where those are leading, and they are leading us back home, together.
We get the chance to start again, taking into account all that has happened, all that has changed, and all that has remained constant. This is a remarkable opportunity, to start over, knowing all that we know now, and getting to do things differently.
She and I have been talking a lot recently, and we have realised that the chance we have taken has worked. Her intuition is at the heart of this; without that, we would still be where we were, and that was not a good place to be for long. Despite the fact that we spent a very long time in that place, we have somehow been able to find a way out of it, and move toward something better. Something healthy.
Dark had been my dreams of late, wondering how this was going to go, where this was going to go, how I would survive it. Knowing now how she feels and what she has discovered over the past weeks, I feel like the nightmare has finally ended. I no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, feeling like it is my responsibility to give a fuck when everyone else is having a good time and being reasonably carefree. My own insights into my part in how we got to where we did have shown me the error of my priorities, the foolishness of my focii, the poor judgement I used to arrive at my conclusions. And I can now move forward, leaving that self behind, acknowledging the sacrifices I made for the things I thought were important, but understanding that there are many other things that are actually important that now must be satisfied...

She asked me once, 'When do I get to be happy?' I did not have an answer for her, nor do I now; that is not my place. At the time, I felt like an enourmous bag of shit that she had got to the point of asking such a question. Her sorrow and unhappiness were pervading everything she did, and it went unchecked, unaddressed, for too long.
Since we reestablished contact last week, I have never seen her happier. Well, that is not true; once, long ago, back in the morning of our relationship, she was this happy. Then, something happened. The curtain fell, our lifestyle and its principles asserted its grip on us, and we passed into darkness for ten years.

She feels clean, healthy, renewed, reawakened, and reconnected to herself and the people around her. Her energy is purer, somehow, unfettered and no longer tainted by doubt or duty. I am falling in love with her all over again, and I am really looking forward to experiencing the process of discovering her anew.
She is everything to me, and I feel that now we are in a position where we can realise the potential of our pairing. There is so much to do, and we have so many plans....
And, she loves her wedding band, which fits perfectly.

I am not sure when she will be home. She was home yesterday, to see the cats and be with me; I had to send one of the cats on his way yesterday morning. LeStat was very ill, and wasn't going to come out of it on his own, and I tried everything to make him comfortable. But it was, it turned out, his time.
We miss him.
My wife is still working through some things, as am I, but she tells me she is nearly ready to come home and move forward with me into our future, a future I dared not hope to see. I am hopeful that she will take the time she needs, as much as she needs, but I do not think she will rush herself. There is no point, and as I have mentioned, she is in her own way brilliant. She knows what she is doing, and that is good enough for me.
I trust.
I believe.
I commit.
I wait, because the process must be satisfied. We have not come this far to do anything foolish.

I seem to be surrounded by love and light, and in part I have my wife to thank for that. What is between us has emerged stronger and better than it was, and we can certainly build something worthwhile on it.
For now, though, I am content to work on the house and know that we did the right thing.
I could not be happier.

Breathing Is Easier Than Not

The light has broken through the darkness. My faith in my wife, the courage we shared in separating, has been rewarded.

I spoke with my wife yesterday, after two straight weeks of not hearing from her at all. She assured me that all was well, we are still married, my faith in her and what she is doing is not misplaced, and that she wants to see me. She is working at the college we both attended tomorrow, and we are meeting there for coffee.

She is very impressed that I have discovered who I am without all the anger.

She says she feels better. Much better, about herself and about our situation.

I told her I needed something to believe in. She said, 'Well, I am right here.'

I told her about my three part mantra, that which I repeat to myself whenever the going gets rough and I am afraid of the future.
Part One: I am still married (she said, 'Yes, you are.')
Part Two: The last thing she said as she was leaving was 'Goodbye for now.' (she said 'And I meant it.')
Part Three: I trust my wife (she said, 'As you should.')

We are both getting healthier. We are getting stronger. We are getting better.

I am so full of optimism about my future with her. I can feel the power we jointly generate flowing around me even now; yesterday during the conversation it was almost intolerable.

She is really pleased that our diplomas are framed, even mine is up on the wall. It looks very impressive.

I can see a little more clearly now... the rain is lifting, and the rainbow I was praying for has unveiled itself.

My thanks to the Goddess... for my wife, the fairest of Her daughters.

We have so much yet to do, but it is getting done.


I am happy, for the first time in four months, for the first time in twenty years. I feel unburdened, lighter, now that I have released all the weight I carried for so long. I thank my wife for her patience, her understanding, her power, her support, her love, and her faith in me.

We are not finished here yet, but we are making progress. And that is something to crow about.
Blessed Be to all.

NOTE TO SELF: Hell is the absence of hope.

Is This All That I Am?

It's been a rough ride so far.
Every day when I get up, there is that few seconds of wakeful forgetting, when I don't remember what I am doing or the situation I am in. The most horrible thing I have to deal with, for those few seconds, is the fact that I am getting up to go to a job a very much dislike. Then I remember, the wave collapses over me, and my job is shoved back out of the limelight as an irrelevancy.
I think back to those halcyon days, five months or so ago, when I thought everything was fine. Not that everything was perfect, mind; there were nagging little things that I was trying to resolve. But for the most part I thought we were speeding along quite nicely. I was reasonably happy. The thing is, those days seem so far away, lifetimes ago, and I can't quite believe that I ever had that sense of well-being, contentedness, and every-day comfort that was the norm then. It is almost as if it belonged to another person, and I have always been this, what I am now: broken, shameful, scared, remorseful, disappointed, and ever so sad.
I do not know what the future holds. I have my plans, my objectives, my challenges. I hope that my wife comes home someday, full of promise and optimism, ready to go forward with me. But I cannot see anything past the next few minutes, and that is a new and terrifying experience for me. I have always known what was happening, what was going to happen next, where I was going in my life. Now, everything is essentially on hold while I await... well, I do not know what I am waiting for. Whatever happens next, I suppose.
I love my wife more than my own life, and I hope she is finding what she seeks. As for me, I will be here, waiting for her to come home, until I am told she won't be.
I am so tired.

It's A Test of Faith, Stupid

I have become a creature of faith.

In this ongoing lesson that is the separation from my beloved wife, I am finding that the only thing that is keeping me from going completely mad is faith, trust, and belief.
Faith in the love that drew us together in the first place.

Belief in the process we are each of us undergoing, in different ways, that must happen if we are to have a chance at a future together.
Trust in my wife, that she knows what she is doing, and that she won't break my heart in the long run.
Yesterday, I put a deposit down on her wedding band, to go with the engagement ring my mother gave me for her.
Her Winter Solstice present this year will be new kitchen cabinetry; my wife is a kitchen witch by preference, and some of her best magic happens there. So, new cabinets, crafted and desinged by moi, to be ready before I go for surgery in early December.
Surgery in early December??? Yup, I am having my vasectomy reversed, because she & I will make amazing parents, and we both want this badly.
After that, in early January I will be booking the venue for our wedding and paying the deposit on that, in addition to continuing with the plans and preparations for the ceremony. And on and on....
I am proceeding according to the assumption that she will be back, we will complete this process successfully, and we shall go on with our life together and fulfill the promise we made. I cannot continue under any other. If I were to assume otherwise, life simply wouldn't be worth living. I will not rush her, nor make a problem for her, nor stalk her or call her endlessly or any other damnfool thing. I will be patient and I will wait until she gives me something to suggest another course of action.
You see, I have faith.
I trust.
And, I believe.

The Next Step

Today is the day for changes.

My wife is leaving her parents' place, where she has been for the last three weeks, and relocating to the residence of a dear friend of ours, close to her work, where she will be safe.

This friend has a two-bedroom cottage on a lake that he is renting. My wife assures me that I need not worry, we are still married, and there will be no foolishness to be concerned with.

I am happy that she is getting out of the city. I am happy that she is moving on with her path. I am happy that she can do all this and stay true to her needs.

I just wish it was over with, that the process was complete and we were back together, moving forward with our path, our plans, our future.

I am feeling a little wistful just now, and hoping that I can maintain my trust, faith, and belief in the face of all the uncertainties that surround me. I have my own paths to walk, and my own discoveries to make. I know what I need to do, for the moment, and that's all that matters: the Moment.

That said, my wife's path is divergent from mine today, continuing the process that we have been facing for months. I miss her, but I know she is doing what she needs to.

I want us to be healthy, whole, and reunited. The only way to get through it is to go through it. The process must be answered, acknowledged, and fulfilled.

It's a matter of time. I will try not to hurry things. I will instead remain task-oriented, so that the goal achieves itself.

What is, must be.

When Will Then Be Now?

What a day it's been.

I went to see my uncle, of whom I had questions to ask. Those had to do with family history, and why my father was always so enraged by everything around him. Why he seemed so unhappy, so desperate, so unfulfilled, so damnably morose all the time.

I was able to get some of those answers, and putting them together with what I have already discovered, I think I have a pretty complete picture of what went on and where I got the behaviours I so recently disposed of.

Mission accomplished. About this, I actually feel better.

What is driving me insane here is very simple: I want my wife back.

I know the only way to deal with this situation is to go through it. I know that our paths will converge again. I know that she & I aren't yet finished. And I know that she has her own stuff to resolve.

I also know that this will take time.

It's just that I am so tired and fed up. I hate feeling this way. I miss her so much, it's a physical pain that sometimes subsides to a dull ache but usually is a sharp agony, always fresh and in high-definition. I am trying to keep busy, doing things around the house that she & I had already decided we would do. I look forward to the day when she returns here, to live again. I remind myself to keep the faith, to trust her, to believe in the love we share and the things that bound us in the first place, which have not changed.

I try so hard to keep it together. But it doesn't always work, and so here I am, alone, aching inside like I have been recently stabbed, missing her terribly, and forcing myself to not worry, to not panic.

With all that I am, I hope she can find her way back home.

Dawn May Have Broken, Or Maybe Not

This has been the worst week yet.

If anyone has read this stuff, it should be clear that I am not doing so well, despite the fact that I understand what is going on and why it is happening. Insight and familiarity do nothing to assuage the hopeless feelings of loss that I am experiencing, and no matter how much I know, or think I know, I cannot deny that the emotional component of my situation demands recognition.

And so I must submit to it. Every day.

Still, it is not all black. What I am grieving for is the loss of what we once were, and the things that we did that made me so happy, and proud, and feel safe. I am grieving for the past that is slipping away, minute by minute, into that place where memory goes to die.
And this is as it should be, for a very good reason.

It has occured to me, and my wife concurs, that we cannot move forward together until we have rid ourselves of this past. The new cannot be installed until the old has been removed, for there is simply no room left. The new life we envisioned for ourselves, with a new approach and a different set of priorities, unfortunately has so many riders attached to it from the old ways that we aren't able to move on.

This, I think, is the lion's share of what is happening here. My wife's intuition has led us here, but she was unable to articulate exactly what was happening. She just knew that something had to. My analytical skills have, we suspect, provided something like an answer to this conundrum.

This is the essence of polarity work. The strongest magic, the purest spells, are always the result of two opposites working in unison. This is nothing against gay marriage or other arrangement; persons in those situations must be aware, though, that there will be limitations for them in their workings.

That being said, I have learned from my wife what her intentions are in the short-to-medium-term. She is finally getting out of the city and will be staying with a dear friend of ours, whom we both trust, for the next month or so until she can get a place of her own in town, close to her work. From there, we shall see what happens.

She wants to be kept abreast of what is going on with our house, and the things day-to-day that I get accomplished or have happen. I guess she doesn't need the distance I thought she did.

She tells me that what I need to do right now, is to find out who I am without all the anger, the anger that drove this mess in the first place that I have since, somehow, released.

I will do this. I will continue the process today.

I am going to see my uncle. He may have some answers for me.

Blessed Lammas.

Dreaming My Wife

I am so miserable.

Of all the accomplishments in my life so far, the one I am proudest of is my marriage. My wife is a beautiful, stunningly intelligent, frighteningly intuitive, vastly compassionate woman. She carries a steel side within her that comes out at the most opportune moments, her advice is sought after, and she has a wisdom beyond her years.

The fact that I was able to attract such a creature in the first place is something I am truly grateful for. Over the years, many have been the times when I have wondered 'Why did she pick me?' I have never found an answer that explained this. I have simply had to thank my good fortune and not question it too closely.

Now, I am at the point where I am wondering if I dreamed her.

The distance between today, as I write this, and four months ago, when I thought everything was fine, is as great as the path to the closest star. I never, in my wildest imaginings, no matter what we faced or went through over the years, thought that one day I would be without her. Certainly not like this.

I work very hard in my relationships. I take nothing for granted but that which is reasonable. In this case, I was sure that this would be the last. I knew my wife's name from the time I was two, which is when I started to read. I dreamed of her, and I was told that this would be the woman I would marry.

I searched my whole life for her, and I found her, and now she is gone, much too soon.

I have failed her. I failed her as a husband, as a friend, and as a companion that she looked to for support. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it has brought me here, to this stupid blog that no-one will ever read.

I don't know how long I can do this. All I know is that I hurt, it is all-over and pervasive, a constant ache that varies only in intensity.

As my wife prepares to move forward with the path she has begun, with no end in sight nor yet a sense of duration or outcome, I do not even have the strength to plan for my own future. The options are there, but I don't care enough to exercise them. Everything hurts.

I am sure I dreamed her, and our life together. It would explain why things now are such a nightmare.

Giving Up On Love

It is said that it's always darkest before the dawn.

The sun hasn't risen yet as I type, and it seems remarkably appropriate to reflect on this maxim just now.

I know that my fears about my marriage, the lonliness, the excruciating pain that seems all I have, the overwhelming guilt about the part I have played in the events leading up to my separation from my wife, my insecurities and doubts about the rightness of my Path and what will happen to me now, all these things and more besides, are illusions. They onlly exist if I bring them into being and feed them.

Goddess knows I am trying. She knows that each day is a new fight, to get up, to go to work, to stay healthy, to stay sane, to find a reason to keep going. So far, I am holding my own, but the edge is never far away.

I can feel, day by day, small things driving themselves between my wife and I like miniature wedges. The passing of time itself pushes us further apart. The little changes in my life, and hers, are things that we didn't do together, decisions that were taken independently, choices made in isolation. I can feel the strings breaking, one by one, gently but inexorably. And I can tell that our mutual decision to initiate this in the first place has acquired a life all it's own, turning it into something that now could not be stopped even if we tried.

I know that this process is exactly what is called for. I know that it is the best way for us to get past the past, to move forward with this life in a healthy way. I'm just heartbroken at what was promised, and what has been lost. I am forced to surrender to the inevitable, and let go of what we had in toto so that the less salutary parts can be excised. This is the thing that gets me, the inference that if some of our marriage was bad and has to be thrown out, maybe the whole thing was.

I cannot believe that.

For now, I am faced with the notion that this is going to take a long time, and I despair of ever being happy again. I am told this, too, will pass, but right now it seems that all I am is a big ball of hurt and sadness and remorse and guilt and disappointment.

It's enough to drive one to give up on the whole idea of love in the first place.

It's enough to make one give up.

But not today.

The Ghost Of Failure Past

What an amazing thing.

Since my post earlier today, I was able to track down my ex and speak with her on the phone.

It was a little weird to talk to her. It has been twelve years since we split up. She is married and has a child, but I could still hear the voice of the woman I knew.

She was able to tell me that, way back when, she left because of her, not because of me. She was too young for a long-term relationship, she hadn't done any living at all, and she felt smothered. Not by me, but by the constraints placed upon her by the fact that we were together.

She suggested that if I had anything at all to do with her decisions, it would have only been because of my tendency to over-analyse things in my effort to fully understand them. This, she felt, made things even more confusing for her at a time in her life when things were already confusing enough.

We exchanged pleasantries and general news about people we knew mutually. At the end of things, I thanked her for her insight and time. She said she didn't know if she had helped any, since I seemed to already have most of the answers I was looking for.

I wish I knew what they were.

The bottom line is that, whatever went on, I may not have been as responsible for the break-up as I first suspected. I may not have unresolved issues from that time, per se, and current events and ancient history are the main evils at present. The middle ages are relatively issue-free. Sure they are.

The quest for equilibrium in a world that appears to not have any continues... but I am glad my ex is doing well.

Good for her.

I Can See Clearly But The View Is Unsightly

hNOTE: I am Wiccan, and may from time to time mention the Goddess, She whom I lovingly serve. If this makes you uncomfy, I ask you not to worry. It's a witchy thing....

I've had a rather startling revelation. It's nature I will get to in due course, but first some explanation.

Most of the relationships I have had so far have been long-term. This is a preference on my part. While it is great to be in them, long-terms have one serious drawback: Because of the enourmous personal investment they rightly require, the end of one is always, always devastating. It costs a lot. The last time I had a long-term fail, I am afraid I did not handle it well. Not at all. In fact, I did it completely wrong.

You see, I have come to understand that the end of a relationship eventually becomes an opportunity to assess the circumstances and try to figure out what went wrong. I say eventually because, at first, one is incapable of even the most rudimentary navel-gazing. Everything hurts far too much for useful introspection. The point is, such a situation has enourmous potential for personal growth to occur, of a limited type. It therefore behooves one, when one is able, to do some personal work and get things straightened out. Only then can one move forward, perhaps to the next adventure.

In my case, what I did was to go out and gather all the LSD-25 I could lay my hands on. I ended up with enough high-powered blotter acid to keep me self-medicated for about the next three months. This was extremely dangerous. I was suicidal, and I had firearms, and a head full of acid. The only reason I didn't kill myself was that, due to the effects of the acid, I couldn't concentrate on any one thing for long enough to get the deed done. I kept getting distracted, and so nothing of that sort happened. It's funny now, but I vaguely remember being extremely frustrated about.... something, something, dark side,... er... what was I saying?

Every couple of days, I would sober up long enough to check and see that my cats were okay, and to determine if anything had substantively changed. Of course, nothing had, so back under I went. Nearing the end of this period, I met the person to whom I am currently married. Things progressed, she moved in within a month and a half or so, and off we went.

The upshot here is that, because I was so unhappy, so messed up, I suppressed most of the agony I otherwise would have had to deal with had I been in full possession of my faculties. I did not deal with the issues that had led to the breakup in the first place, did no soul-searching, had no therapy. I did acid for three months instead.

Today, I am older, a teensy bit wiser, and I have no acid. In fact, I can't even get any since the trafficking laws changed a few years ago. But of course, even if I could, I do not think I would want it. This shit has got to stop, and it will stop here. The problem remains, though, that this is really complicated now. Not only am I dealing with current events, but I can see that part of the problem here is unresolved stuff from last time that never got dealt with, that is only now, in retrospect, observable and identifiable. Swell.

Here is the revelation part I mentioned before: If I am to deal with this stuff, and heal sufficient to be worthy of the gift my wife represents to me, then one of things I must do is very clear to me now.
I have to contact my ex somehow.
Oh, great.
I wonder if she will even talk to me...... if I can find her, that is.

Wow, I sure didn't see that one coming. Well, as we all know, the universe is comprised of four elements: Fire, air, earth and water.
Bet you didn't know that there is a fifth element.
It is called surprise.

How Many Calendars?

Uh-oh. My first post to this blog thingy and already I am forced to relate disturbing news. I was hoping that I could ease into the whole here-is-my-drama-why-do-you-think-I-have-a-blog-in-the-first-place thing, but events have conspired against me and forced my fingers, as it were.
Here goes.
Recently, my beloved wife of eleven-plus years and I agreed to begin what we are calling a trial separation. It was a mutual decision, arrived at after much agony and soul-searching on both our parts. The short version is that we realised that there are things we each need to do, personal growth things, and we cannot seem to do them together. Each of us is haunted by our pasts, and to deal with those demons we must, alas, part.
We are in contact, both electronically and via telephony, and we keep each other updated on the usual goings-on in our lives. I am continuing on with looking after the house we rent, and the cats, and my job, and the decorating plans we have made, and doing my best to hold this thing together in the midst of everything else. She is making plans to move to another city, find a job, presumably get her own place, and do... whatever she deems necessary in her quest to become whole.
I am doing everything I can to help her do this, because I think I understand what we are doing and why it is so ciritcal. I support her. I also have things of my own to do, and I will not fail in that....
Jesus, this sounds so disjointed. I had thought I could convey this reasonably clearly, but I think I am just making a mess.
Okay. I will be honest here. This woman is my ideal mate. She is my life. I searched my whole life for her, and found her, and then... something happened. Our marriage has been without the usual serious problems encountered by other couples we have known. Issues we faced always seemed to emanate from outside 'us'. We worked well together as a team and between us there were few things we could not deal with effectively. And we loved each other. Hard. Desperately. On an epic scale. The stuff legend is made of........
What faces us now is shit that has been building for years, and in my misery I am aware that this situation was, in fact, inevitable
I do not know what the future holds for her and I. I want to heal, I want her to be happy, I want us to figure our shit out.... but most of all I want my wife back, whole and ready to move on with the next stage of our life together. We have so many plans...
Unfortunately, these things may not happen in the end. There may be too many changes, there may be things that happen to divert us from our marriage.... we may, at the end, turn out to be people who don't love each other anymore. This I try not to think about.
I know that the only way out of this nightmare is through, and I am prepared to do whatever is needed to make this happen. I know that she is following her intuition, and even though this is the hardest thing I think I have ever done, I am determined to respect her needs and wishes. I am determined to love her still.
Since she left, I have engaged in a little ritual each night: at the exact time I said goodbye and closed the door of the car she left in, I colour in another day on this calendar I have here. It is a way of seeing just how much time has passed, and a marker to gauge my progress toward my own resolutions.
What haunts me is the question: If I am ever given the chance to hold her again, how many calendars will I have to fill before that day comes?